18 Signs You Lack Personal Boundaries & Feel Constantly Used
By Mateo Sol
You feel pushed. Manipulated. Exploited. Dominated. Coerced. Pressured. Bullied. Controlled.
The person in front of you has gone too far and has overstepped your personal boundaries. But you don’t know what to do. You feel weak and helpless. A quiet desperation rises inside of you. You feel like a fly stuck in a web.
What can be done?
If you struggle with energy loss and issues such as overcommitment, lack of assertiveness, and peer pressure, keep reading. It’s time to draw a clear line and reclaim your personal power.
What are Personal Boundaries?
Personal boundaries are the mental, emotional, and physical walls we create to protect ourselves from being used, manipulated, or violated by others. These limits help us to clearly distinguish who we are and what we need, from other people and their needs. Creating and maintaining personal boundaries is a key way to cultivate physical, emotional, and psychological well-being.
Why Are Personal Boundaries So Important?
Personal boundaries are an essential part of creating and upholding a healthy self-image. When a person has strong personal boundaries, it communicates to the world that they exude healthy self-respect and self-worth. Hence, creating boundaries makes us feel good about ourselves and preserves our personal integrity.
But without personal boundaries, we run the risk of confusing our needs and wants with others, which leads to codependency. Codependency is a term that describes a toxic one-sided relationship. It is impossible to enjoy a healthy relationship without strong and clear boundaries.
Without personal boundaries, there is also the risk of experiencing heightened stress and feelings of hopelessness. Overcommitting to everyone and everything tends to take a serious toll on your mental health, which can eventually lead to burnout. Or worse: a nervous breakdown.
Finally, a lack of personal boundaries can result in feelings of being worthless, weak, or not good enough. In other words, our self-esteem is severely impacted and we might struggle with issues such as chronic self-doubt or self-loathing. Not being able to voice our truth and communicate our needs in a clear way can be deeply distressing.
18 Signs You Have Poor Personal BoundariesPay attention to the following signs:
Why Do We Suffer From Poor Personal Boundaries?
Before you blame yourself for having poor boundaries, stop for a moment. I want you to understand that it wasn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility to now develop strong boundaries. So take a moment to feel some compassion for yourself.
As children, we had no control what our parents, teachers, and the adults around us taught us. Most people who possess absent or weak personal boundaries were set a bad example when young. Observing codependent dynamics within our families contributed a lot to this issue, as well as being taught that love = what we did, not who we were.
As a child, the first role models you had of “acceptable” behavior were your parents and family members. So pause to reflect here: what messages did your mother, father, siblings, or other adults send to you growing up? Were you only given love when you pretended to be who your parents wanted you to be? Were you only rewarded when you went out of the way to sacrifice your needs and desires in favor of someone else’s? Were you punished for saying “no” or speaking up? Did you feel obliged to emotionally “take care” of an adult, perhaps a parent? These were all signs that you were taught that lacking personal boundaries equaled a “good” thing.
5 Myths About Personal Boundaries
If you struggle with setting clear boundaries, you might carry a number of mistaken beliefs that you were conditioned to believe.
Here are some myths that I want you to become aware of:
12 Benefits of Creating Strong Personal BoundariesHere’s what you can expect from putting in the hard work of setting clear boundaries:
Remember that these qualities won’t develop overnight, but with practice and persistence, you will be able to experience these wonderful benefits.
How to Create Personal Boundaries That People Don’t Ignore
Creating boundaries is less about other people and more about you and the beliefs and mindsets you have. The following practices and pieces of advice will help you to target both your core beliefs and habitual behaviors.
1. Understand that you have the right to have boundaries
Lurking underneath the surface of people-pleasing behavior is the belief that we “have no right” to set boundaries. It’s time to challenge this ingrained assumption. Why are others allowed to have boundaries and not you? Why must you feel like a lesser human being and elevate others above yourself? It is a fundamental right of all human beings to have personal boundaries. Consider it your birthright to establish boundaries that define and protect you. Not only is it your right to create boundaries, but it is also your responsibility.
2. Understand that your thoughts, feelings, and needs are equally important to others
No one’s thoughts, feelings or needs are “above” anyone else’s. Social status is an illusion created by the human mind – in other words, the Queen of England’s needs are equal to a homeless person’s needs. The only division created between us and others exists in the mind. Therefore, you are not “less important,” valuable, or worthy than others. Your needs are equally important to those in your life. Learn to see yourself as equal to others. Affirm your worth each and every day with a mantra such as “I am worthy and my needs are important.” Learn to distrust and disagree with those who try to make you think or feel otherwise.
3. Explore your needs
Likely, you don’t have much experience or knowledge of your needs, especially if you ignore them to cater to other’s demands. Now is the time to start learning more about yourself. Keep a daily journal in which you record your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. Practicing self-reflection and introspection will help you to become more in tune with what you really need at any given moment.
Practicing mindfulness is another powerful way to know what boundaries you need to set during the day. Dedicate to a self-discovery practice each day and aim to learn more about who you are and what you really want out of life. This is one of the best ways to begin setting personal boundaries. A fun way to start learning about who you are is by taking self-discovery tests (take a look at our tests).
4. Practice daily self-care (because you’re worth it!)
Practicing daily self-care is a supplementary practice that will bolster your ability to set clear personal boundaries. When you get into the habit of nurturing yourself, you are already setting yourself up for success. You’re sending yourself the message that “I’m worth taking care of.” Setting firm boundaries will then seem like the next natural step in your self-care routine.
Simple ways to perform self-care include taking time to relax, practicing meditation, making delicious and nutritious food for yourself, exercising, setting daily goals, complimenting yourself, rewarding yourself, taking a nap, connecting with nature, drinking a soothing cup of tea, and many other practices. Check out this article on self-love for more suggestions.
5. Learn to say “no”Saying no is a key part of learning to be assertive and honoring your needs. You don’t need to flat out or aggressively say “no” if the situation doesn’t call for it. Instead, you can try saying phrases such as “no thank you,” “I can’t,” “I’m not able to,” “Not now,” “I’m busy, sorry,” “Maybe next time,” and so forth.
6. Identify when people cross the lineIt’s not always easy to identify when others overstep your boundaries, particularly if you’re used to not having any. Take time to record in a private journal each day all of the moments when you felt uncomfortable, upset, or disrespected by someone during the day. This journalling exercise will help you to develop more self-awareness.
Another way to know when people have overstepped your boundaries is by tuning into your body. Try to notice when you feel sensations like butterflies in your stomach, tension, or an increase in blood pressure which will manifest as feeling flustered and hot. Use these sensations as triggers to help you tune into the present moment and practice assertiveness.
7. Stop overcommitting
You are not obliged or indebted to uphold every single social commitment that you have. Don’t try to please others at your own expense. Committing too much to other people and circumstances creates stress and burnout. Learn to say no to non-essential things like work get-togethers, parties, and other social duties that are not life-or-death. Read this article for further inspiration:
Commitments, The Quiet Leeches of Life.
8. Be courageous: let go of toxic friendships and relationshipsIt takes a certain level of courage to make a commitment to keeping personal boundaries. Fake friends and flimsy relationships will inevitably self-destruct and fizzle away. This might leave you feeling guilty, ashamed, or like you’re doing something wrong. It is important in these tough times to keep affirming that setting personal boundaries is your fundamental human right. You are WORTH it. Those who are trying to control, use, or abuse you will try to stop you, but don’t let them hold you back. Cut away those who are polluting your life and seek out new friendships that are supportive and uplifting.
9. Seek help (but not from friends or family)
If you’re still needing help setting strong personal boundaries, chances are that those around you probably reinforce this behavior. So it’s not a wise idea to seek advice from them, however well-intentioned they may be. If you need more in-depth advice and personal assistance, I recommend either reading a book such as Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No by Henry Cloud and John Townsend or seek the help of a therapist (or both).
Finally, remember to be gentle with yourself and show compassion. You were not responsible for developing poor boundaries (it was how you were conditioned). But you are responsible for now changing them and owning your personal power. I hope this article can help you do that.
What experiences have you had with people overstepping your boundaries? And what advice can you give to others in your situation? Please share below!
7 Inner Archetypes That Cripple Your Confidence and Self-Respect
by Aletheia Luna
The absence of self-love lies at the very core of every form of anxiety, depression, loneliness and emptiness that we feel as a species.
In fact, low self-esteem is such a pandemic problem, that we get at least a handful of emails, Q&A’s and comments on this website about it every single day!
Everyone in life at some point experiences issues with low self-esteem and poor self-confidence. In our world that teaches the preeminence of material wealth and accomplishment over soulful depth and wisdom, it’s no wonder that so many of us feel internally weak and fatally flawed.
If you feel as though you’re lacking self-confidence and respect, I can’t stress enough how important it is to become self-aware of the inner archetypes within you. And not only that: but to love and fully accept them as they are. This will allow their hold over you to cease.
What Are Archetypes?
Father of analytical psychology, Carl Jung, once proposed that we all share a universal unconscious mind, called the “collective unconscious.” The collective unconscious is a layer within the mind that possesses all of the spiritual, symbolic, and mythological experiences and knowledge of existence. When we are born, we all inherit these ancient ancestral patterns. Archetypes then, are essentially patterns that aid our physical, mental and emotional growth as humans.
7 Inner Archetype ExamplesSince Jung, many authors, psychologists and thinkers have identified a large number of archetypes that exist within all of us to some degree. While many archetypes are positive or neutral (e.g. the visionary, the warrior, the engineer, the companion, the artist, etc.) some are destructive.
Every archetype we have within us has, at some point in our lives, served a purpose. Whether that is to gain attention or acceptance as children, or simply to make friends, every archetype has aided us in some way. However, as adults many of us “grow out of” certain archetypes. Gradually, instead of benefiting us, these archetypes actually undermine and wound us.
Unfortunately, many of us drag around these old and irrelevant archetypes with us for our entire lives. Little do we know that these very archetypes are secretly depriving us of the faith, self-trust and willpower we need to experience joy, creativity and peace.
The more self-aware you become of these archetypes, the better equipped you’ll be to release their hold on you. So now the question is, which of the following archetype examples are you still holding on to?
The AddictOther names: workaholic, consumer, gambler, glutton, hedonist
Addictions come in many forms. You can be addicted to physical things such as food, alcohol, tobacco, drug, money and sex. You can be addicted to concepts such as fame, success and beauty. And you can also be addicted to emotions such as the approval, love and acceptance of others.
Addict archetypes are places within us that believe that people, emotions, situations and objects outside of ourselves can make us happy. Unfortunately, this deprives us of our personal power, and makes us enslaved to whatever we are pursuing.
Lesson to be learned: Nothing outside of you can bring you love, happiness, approval or acceptance — YOU must find these things inside for them to truly last or bring you peace.
The BeggarOther names: outcast, vagrant
The Beggar archetype within us approaches life from a place of destitution, neediness and impoverishment. When The Beggar is ruling your life, you will find yourself constantly dependent and reliant on others for your security, happiness and well-being.
The Beggar within us is ruled by the following mistaken core belief: “I don’t have anything of value. I need others to help and support me.” Thus, when we approach life from a place of inner poorness, we are constantly propelling ourselves towards situations that reinforce this feeling.
Lesson to be learned: Your thoughts influence your reality. If you believe you are poor and have nothing to offer, your existence will reflect that. On the other hand, if you believe you are already rich and have gifts to share with the world, your existence will also reflect that.
The FanaticOther names: perfectionist, worrier, control-freak, bigot
The Fanatic archetype is both passionate and driven, but also prone to stubbornness and neuroticism. If your inner Fanatic is imbalanced you might be an obsessive worrier, perfectionist or “control-freak.”
The Fanatic’s main concern is control. This can create a lot of tension, health issues and relationship problems.
Lesson to be learned: The only thing you can control in life is how YOU perceive and approach life. You cannot completely control external situations, and you can never fully control other people. Realize that life is more than safety, security and success. Learn to loosen up and introduce more spontaneity into your life.
The JudgeOther names: critic, examiner
As humans, our natural instinct is to judge. We judge situations to assess whether they’re dangerous or not, we judge to find our ideal partners, we judge to find clarity and discernment in daily life. This is all natural. But often our lives revolve so much around the mind that we neglect the heart.
When The Judge within you is imbalanced, it will always be analyzing and condemning you. Negative self-talk is often strongly linked to rogue inner Judges that don’t know when to stop. A major cause of low self-esteem are Judge archetypes that are fueled by negative core beliefs and cognitive distortions.
Lessons to be learned: Judgement is normal, but is your self-judgment harming you more than helping you? Remember to show yourself leniency, kindness, objectivity and forgiveness — just like a proper judge would.
The Martyr is an archetype within us that desperately craves for praise, adoration and a sense of self-worth from grandiose acts of self-sacrifice. Martyr’s will often adopt the role of caretakers and cater to everyone else’s needs but their own. However, when our inner Martyr’s are not appreciated enough by others, we resort to guilt-tripping and manipulation.
Essentially, our inner Martyrs are places within us that are deeply wounded. These are the places that believe our self-worth comes from what we DO rather than what we ARE inherently.
Lessons to be learned: You don’t need to sacrifice all of your needs, wants and dreams for others in order to be worthy or lovable. You are innately worthy and lovable. Take responsibility for your happiness and learn how to love yourself fearlessly.
The SaboteurOther names: destroyer, serial killer, mad scientist
Just like all other archetypes listed here, The Saboteur is a natural part of the cycle of birth and death. Everything in life must eventually be destroyed in order for new things to arise. The shadow side of The Saboteur archetype is that it can develop a ravenous appetite for destruction.
Self-destructiveness is the biggest issue that The Saboteur brings to our lives. When we are deeply wounded and filled with self-hatred, The Saboteur is a wrathful confidant that tears down everything in our path. Relationships, friendships, careers, health, mental stability — nothing stands in the way of The Saboteur.
Lessons to be learned: What part of you feels that you aren’t worthy of freedom, joy and love? Explore your deeper feelings of worthlessness and how they poison and undermine your life decisions. You must learn to respect, honor and love the person you are.
The VictimOther names: slave
Victimhood allows us to acknowledge our woundedness, but when we get bogged down in it, it can cripple us.
The biggest problem that The Victim brings to our lives is disowned personal power. When we don’t take responsibility for our prosperity, bliss and contentment, our lives seem like a never-ending stream of misery. The truth is that there is only so much you can blame other people for your grief or misfortune.
Lessons to be learned: Stop blaming other people for your failures and disappointments. You are only a victim if you make yourself out to be one. Instead of being a victim, adopt the role of a fighter: this is a much more empowering role that will enable you to develop self-responsibility.
How to Regain Your Confidence and Self-RespectAfter you have read the archetype examples above and identified your main one (or bunch), you will need to meditate on them. Ask yourself, “How exactly is this archetype/s influencing my thoughts, feelings and actions?” You can journal about this, discuss it with someone you trust, sit in solitude with the question, or anything else that will help you introspect.
Finally, your job is not to hate, destroy or repress these archetypes in you.Instead, allow yourself to come into a peaceful understanding of them. Let the Archetype/s know that you appreciate the roles they have served in your life, but you’re now ready to surrender them and move on. You might like to design your own ritual or ceremony for this last part if you desire.
If it helps, bookmark or print out this page of archetype examples to re-read as you go through this process.
I know how debilitating low self-esteem and poor self-confidence can be. I have struggled with this many times in my own life. The difference is that I accept it as normal and do my best to move on, take care of myself, and honor my gifts.
If you have any experiences or insights to share about the archetype examples above, I encourage you to share below.
About Aletheia LunaAletheia Luna is an influential spiritual writer whose work has changed the lives of thousands of people worldwide. After escaping the religious sect she was raised in, Luna experienced a profound existential crisis that led to her spiritual awakening. As a psychospiritual counselor, tarot reader, and professional writer, Luna's mission is to help others become conscious of their entrapment and find joy, empowerment, and liberation in any
Five Main Cultural Influences Controlling Your Subconscious
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” ~Carl Jung
Flip this quote from Dr. Jung around and it suggests that once you become aware of the unconscious forces directing you, you will experience freedom and gain newfound control over your own life. This realization gives us extraordinary power.
Based on what we know about the brain, mind, and consciousness, most of our decisions are made without conscious thought, that is, we are driven by low-level mental activity which happens automatically. This level of thinking is the product of the subconscious mind.
“Contrary to what most of us would like to believe, decision-making may be a process handled to a large extent by unconscious mental activity. A team of scientists has unraveled how the brain actually unconsciously prepares our decisions. “Many processes in the brain occur automatically and without involvement of our consciousness. This prevents our mind from being overloaded by simple routine tasks. But when it comes to decisions we tend to assume they are made by our conscious mind. This is questioned by our current findings.” [Source]
In other words, most of the time we are basically on autopilot.
The fact that subliminal advertising can alter the buying habits of consumers is well-established and this is a widely used practice in the advertising industry. It is, perhaps, the most overt form of directly tampering with the subconscious minds of individuals. But there a great deal of other things all around us which interfere with our subconscious programming on a daily basis.
1.) Beauty Programming – In 2017, Forbes magazine estimated that the beauty industry is worth nearly half a trillion dollars a year in the U.S. The industry is so lucrative because of how body image is used to manipulate people and their sexual identities, especially women. An ideal, largely unattainable representation of beauty is projected throughout our culture, causing a major disruption to self-identity. Over-sexualization of even the youngest members of society is everywhere.
2.) Violence Programming – This one is everywhere, from the nightly news to the vast majority of television shows and movies, and even throughout the music industry. Violence is presented as the solution to any problem, darkly coloring the subconscious mind with images of death, torture, fighting, destruction, war and violence against nature.
“Have you ever noticed how television and print media will scream themselves hoarse in news documentaries, editorials and heavy analytical pieces about ‘rising pornography, crime, violence, gunplay’, etc? And yet in the same TV Guide announcing the latest special on ‘The Crisis of Sex and Violence’ will appear an advertisement for Miami Vice, the ‘show that brings you the action and excitement you’ve come to expect’, etc. Or your newspaper will condemn sex and violence in the loftiest terms but there in the entertainment section is a half-page advertisement for a new ‘action’ movie accompanied by a photo of women in string bikinis and high heels fondling automatic pistols and machine-guns.” Michael A. Hoffman, Secret Societies and Psychological Warfare
3.) Occult Symbolism – Classic occult symbolism is ubiquitous in our culture now. Appearing throughout entertainment media, the spiritual symbols of the occult present a constant reminder that dark forces are at play in our world. They trigger the deeply subconscious fear of death, which is thought to be the main driver of all human behavior, as well as submissiveness to base level forces, such as fear, greed, and lust.
“The themes are applied in so many productions that it utterly defies coincidence, which means there must be some greater unifying message or purpose to it all. Based on the type of symbols and when looked at in the historical context of esoteric religious movement, Egyptian theology, Babylonian mythology, Satan worship and so on, Hollywood and the movie industry is clearly working to serve a particular idealogical movement.
The worship of dark and satanic forces has historically been linked to human sacrifice, pedophilia, sexual perversion, ego worship, celebrity worship, fragmentation of the individual psyche into controllable parts, mind control and corruption of the soul. The use of the occult and its symbols is a methodology employed to weaken the power of the individual and to create psychological slaves. It is a serious form of mind control.” ~Buck Rogers
4.) The Hypocrisy of Church and State – Stoking extreme cognitive dissonance, the most influential institutions in our world, church and state, are perpetually engaged in behavior that defies their stated objectives, creating an environment where otherwise would-be virtuous people develop a warped sense of reality.
The Catholic Church is mired in evil child-abuse scandals all the time, but they still put on the air of righteousness. The government is pretty much always engaging in scandal, murder, corruption and every other evil things, while, again, presenting itself as an organization that brings justice and equity to our world.
5.) Victim Consciousness – If you believe you are a victim, then you also believe that you have no control over your choices and fate. Church and state love for people to play the role of victim, because they know it leaves a power vacuum in one’s life, causing them to look outwardly for direction, while giving up their power.
Final ThoughtsThe subconscious mind doesn’t speak the same language as the conscious mind. It works on the level of visualization. Many of the influences mentioned above operate as mental images within the minds of many in our culture. A form of daydreaming. A trance like state. Waking up to this awareness is exceptionally liberating.
Read more articles by Sigmund Fraud.
About the AuthorSigmund Fraud is a survivor of modern psychiatry and a dedicated mental activist. He is a staff writer for WakingTimes.com where he indulges in the possibility of a massive shift towards a more psychologically aware future for humankind.
Sigmund Fraud, Staff Writer
How To Release Energetic Ties From Your Ancestors and Family Karma
By Leda De Zwaan
This article is on family karma, energetic ties and your family being your biggest trigger and teacher.
What is family karma?
Family karma is the karma of your ancestral bloodline, from your parents down to you. Say your father was the most spiritually developed within his family and he had five siblings, he would be the carrier of ‘energetic blockages’ in the karmic family line. He is carrying this burden from when he was born and will continue to do so his whole life, unless he releases it. It is a passing down of energy either through physical and verbal means, or completely energetic and subconscious.
It can affect the way in which you interact with your family on an unconscious level.
If you consider yourself sensitive and are born out of two spiritually burdened parents, it can seem like you’re carrying twice the load. Many of us don’t naturally get along with our parents, and sometimes this has to do with energetic ties to past experiences. Everything is fundamentally energy, so our consciousness exists beyond physicality and our understanding of linear time.
We have experienced life before this incarnation. Many of the people in your family are consciousness you have known before this life, and have chosen to come to Earth together. Depending on the path of your past, you may have chosen to take on a more intense life to balance out your karma.
We are Source consciousness projecting itself onto the 3D to better understand itself. From this perspective, there is no good or bad; there just is. So, many have chosen to experience a life as a killer, and the killed to gain more insight from both perspectives and better understand the nature of reality.
You and your mother may have had karmic building experiences in the past, anything from hurting another to refusing to learn a lesson. Everything needs to balance, so if you caused a lot of destruction in your past life, you may be at the other end of it during this life.
Family patterns get passed on from all the way back from ancestors, to great grandparents, to grandparents to parents, to you. For example, your grandma’s theme was being too mild. She always took care of other people and let herself be used by everyone. Grandpa’s theme could be something alcoholism and smoking.
Your mother’s theme then translates to a self sacrificial energy. This can look a unfocused attention, lack of love for oneself or her children. These traditions get passed down in the exact same way oppression, false truth and hierarchy do. It perpetuates the system and keeps the mass consciousness a a lower, dense level.
You, as a child of your parents, have the DNA karma of what has been passed down to you. It could be incredibly mild or extremely intense. It is very specific to each of us.
Traits of you being the carrier of family karma:
People may not resonate with the part of you that is “different” and at odds with their outlook on life. Releasing the ties to the parental energy means first and foremost to release the energy from your own mind and emotions. It is about looking within and finding out to what extent you live by your parents’ set of illusions, by their do’s and don’ts which were based on fear and judgment.
Once you are clear about this and you are able to let that go, you will be free to forgive them and really “leave the parental house.” It is only after you sever the cords on the inner level and take responsibility for your own life that you can really let your parents be.
You will have clearly said “no” to their fears and illusions, but at the same time you will see that your parents are not identical with their fears and illusions. They also are cosmic travelers simply trying to fulfill their soul mission.
Once you feel this, you can feel their innocence and you can forgive. They did their best, to love you, in a way that they could. If you can feel in your heart that they did their best, even when best seems lackluster – they did what they knew how to do.
In a sense you have been the victim of your parents – your parents might have represented ego based consciousness in your childhood. You have temporarily and partly lived according to their illusions. In a way you had no choice, as their child. However to transcend your sense of being the victim here is one of the most powerful breakthroughs you can have in your life.
How can you transform family patterns?
It takes deep introspection and sometimes meditation to get to the core of any reoccurring problems in your life.
They are the result of behavioral patterns that, once fully understood, you can start to change.
It takes time and it all starts with the choice: ‘ I want to be my own master, my own energy my own soul, my own karma-carrier. I am My own carrier.”
You are filled with power! One of the first steps is simply believing that you are…
By Leda De Zwaan
Leda is a writer, speaker, journalist, singer, and Coach of the New Energy. She specializes in Add/HSP, twinsoul- and soulmate relationships, Karma cleansing, Regression-therapy, Personalized Meditations, Advisor, New Science, Anti-Aging programmes, sustainability, how to live in a healthy home, heart-activations and healing with new energetic tools. She is entrepeneur to guide towards a new global shift. She is a writer in the New energy:
Her articles, writings and movies are activating energy- Giving new perspectives, Higher vibrations, Ancient and New knowledge. She tries to re-connect you with your inner voice- Heart wisdom and your true Unique Essence of Self-Mastery and Self-Love. So called ‘ New Energy;- As she calles her mission. Her website can be found here and her Facebookhere. Copyright@ enlighteningmedia.com